Forget the Former Things: The Fear of Becoming Someone New
Kenisha Miller
11/10/20263 min read
Forget the Former Things: The Fear of Becoming Someone New
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”
— Isaiah 43:18–19
For the longest time, I thought healing meant learning how to carry my pain better.
I thought strength meant surviving.
I thought love had to be earned.
I thought struggle was proof that I was trying hard enough.
And honestly? I built an identity around survival.
I was the strong one.
The over-giver.
The fixer.
The woman who kept going no matter how exhausted she was.
But lately, I’ve been realizing that letting go of the person I learned to be in order to survive can feel harder than letting go of the pain itself.
That realization shook me.
Recently, I finally put words to something I’d been feeling for a while. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to figure out how to be loved, accepted, and understood by people. And now I just want to simply be.
I want to say what I feel without replaying it later, wondering if I said too much. I want to enjoy getting close to someone without spending the whole time trying to figure out what it means or where it’s going. And when I catch myself doing those things again, I want to be gentle with myself. I’ve spent years asking, Am I too much? Am I enough? I’m still getting used to how quiet it feels when I let those questions go unanswered.
That quiet is part of what makes peace feel unfamiliar. When you’ve lived through heartbreak, abandonment, or disappointment for long enough, you get used to bracing for what might happen next. Even on a good day, you can find yourself waiting for something to go wrong.
That’s why Isaiah 43:18–19 feels so personal to me right now.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”
When I read those words now, I think about how often I look to the past to tell me who I am and what I should expect. I can honor the little girl who wondered who would stay. I can have compassion for the woman who gave more than she had because she wanted to feel chosen. Both are part of my story. And today, I get to ask myself what I want before I start trying to figure out what everyone else needs from me.
“See, I am doing a new thing!”
I’ve prayed for peace and then spent a peaceful evening going over a conversation in my head. I’ve prayed for healthy love and still caught myself looking for signs that someone might pull away. I can want a different life and still reach for the habits that helped me feel safe in the old one.
That’s the part of becoming someone new I’m still figuring out. What do I do when the thing I’ve been praying for actually shows up? Can I enjoy a good moment while it’s happening? Can I let somebody care for me without immediately looking for a way to earn it? Can I rest while there are still things on my list?
And underneath all of that is the question I keep coming back to.
Who am I when I don’t have to be the strong one all the time?
I’m learning that I can find out a little at a time. Sometimes it looks like saying what I mean and letting the conversation end there. Sometimes it looks like letting a good day be a good day, even when I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
And when I think about the woman I used to be, I want to thank her. She got me through days I can look back on now and still wonder how she did it. I believe the rebirth is finally allowing her to rest.
The new thing God is doing starts in the way I see myself. I’m beginning to see a woman who can be loved on the days she has nothing extra to give. A woman who can speak honestly and still feel at home with herself after the conversation is over.
If you’re in that unfamiliar place too, here’s the question I’m sitting with this week.
What would I do differently today if I trusted that I could be loved as I am?
For me, it starts with letting myself simply be
